Fighting Hospital Food with Crude Doodles.
This book includes the entirety of its predecessor, 'The One Grapes'.

    Facing practically the same selection of hospital food as his last visit, Joseph was well prepared mentally for the onslaught, but didn't think to bring along a salt shaker from home.

    Or a bottle of hot sauce. Or vodka. The nurses never came through with vodka, despite being asked multiple times a day for over three months.

    And they call it a hospital.


Meals come to a person in bed with a little paper slip listing everything on the tray. Sometimes, it's worded oddly. Sometimes, it inspires dad-humour level jokes.

The Many Grape is a mix of the resulting doodles, commentary on the food, random musings, and a few other unrelated doodles. It also partly chronicles the stay in the hospital, the quest of salt, vodka, and escape.

If you only read one book by a bored doodler taking it all out on the kitchen staff this year, make it The Many Grape.






Excerpts from The Many Grape


 CREAM of wheat. Implying MILK of wheat. Implying someone milks the wheat. My new, unnamed farmer character sets out to supply the demand.
Should we name him? Naaaah.
     So... cream of wheat. What the heck is this pasty gob that showed up on my tray? I tried it, I had heard of it, but had no preconceptions. It... came with a little packet of brown sugar. After my first attempt at eating the cream of wheat, (brown sugar helped very little), I forever after used the brown sugar in my tea.

     Let's take a moment to address the little paper packets that sugar comes in here. The trays are often home to hot condensation. Worse, from time to time, one overfilled or tipsy tea or coffee can spell a bit of a spill for half the trays of the ward, when they're all arranged atop each other in the transport rack.
     Little paper packets aren't fond of that either. Somehow it can suck out all the empty space in the packet, maybe by slight congealing, the sugar takes up more space, meaning there's no empty space in the packet to rip through. Kay, it's really no huge deal to rip through a thin wall of sugar. It's just... huh. I have a spent sugar packet near me right now... does the paper... No, that's stupid. I won't taste garbage. But... science... Nope. Cross-contamination with a used teabag. I can't run a lab in these conditions.

City of Fictionville
City Works and Sanitation

April 11th, 2017
Re: Alligators

Dear residents,

     Firstly, thank you, as most of you have stopped disposing of expired protein products via compost. Unfortunately, the size of the flies has not notably decreased. They seem to have found other sources of protein.

     Secondly, we've noticed a significant decrease in common rodent populations.
And birds. No one misses rats, but even the crows have a welcome place in our city.

     Thirdly, it seems in lieu of using the compost bins, many of you have been flushing expired protein down your toilets. It has a chance of clogging pipes, but this is a much lesser concern over the effects on certain urban wildlife that unfortunately has been making their home in lower sewer areas.
     This seems to be a refuge for the rats, but also- remember the urban myth about flushed baby alligators? There's been some revelations to that notion.
Gators with sick pecs and biceps have been spotted near the river, flexing and smiling at women. I'm not trained for this, and the city will have difficulty raising money to deal with these gators safely.
In the meantime, please dispose of for protein products in the regular garbage, or, I don't know, fireplaces? And stay away from the river.
     We don't think the muscular gators are any faster than normal gators, as they only seem to be working the front legs and chest. I discovered that on top of usual zig-zag running, dropping your sunglasses distracts them until they can put them on, after which, they seem to feel the need to pose for each other for a while.

Thank you,
Hugh Sorte,
Director of Sanitation

    Given my lactose intolerance, and marked distaste for eggs and oatmeal, my array of breakfast options is a little narrow. A cereal is always part of my compete breakfast, be they bran flakes, corn flakes, cheerios (that are often less than crunchy for reasons I can only speculate,) or rice crispies.

    Yes, I listen to the rice crispies.

    No, they don't tell me anything interesting.